So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
