dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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