I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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