In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
