I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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