Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
