Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
