I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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