when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
