there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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