So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
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Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
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She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.