I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER