the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.