I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
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He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
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The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE