I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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