I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I could fuck to npr.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
