I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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