OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
