in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
