My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
