Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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