i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It's official drugs can't kill me
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
