dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We need to get me chipped asap
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
