Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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