O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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