Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I got inside last night via doggy door
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
