Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
