I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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