Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
