P.S. I can't hear my feet
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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