im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
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The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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