I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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