I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
