I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
