he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
there is puke in my bra ... again
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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