i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
