She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
