I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
