My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
