did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
