Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
