Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
