I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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