Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
COCAINE IS GR8
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
