your thong is hanging out like whoa
I can tuck mytits in my pants
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Randomize
