im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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