so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
