She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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