Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
