I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
