I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
