if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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