Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
