The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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