I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
