mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
