gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
