i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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