Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
