i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
