I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Randomize
