How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
